Disclaimer: I speak in the second person (you) because a lot of times I am speaking to myself. David used to speak to himself (Psalm 42:5) and found strength in the LORD his God (1 Samuel 30:6). And I give myself “pep talks” similarly. Just a few words spoken out loud, like “Let’s go”. It helps get through the day.
In summary, I do not have a license to preach the gospel, but I could pursue one. I think an exam may be available with the state or I could be sponsored by a church if I continued to go seriously once again.
In John 11:1-44, Jesus wept when he arrived at Mary and Martha. They let Him know that he was late, and Lazarus had died. He began to weep because he cared so deeply. But if you think about it, He needed to be late, because God’s plan all along was for the miracle of Lazarus being raised from the dead.
Is it wrong for a man to cry? Is it a matter of having a high Emotional Quotient? Or the result of being emotionally abused? What makes a sensitive kid? Could a person be put under such duress that the result is tears? Could a narcissistic person weep for another?
I am a man and I cry often. I have no excuse. I try to apply reason to the cause (above 🙄). But really as a Christian, Jesus should be my only model as the ultimate sacrifice. He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6).
7 And Moses took the tabernacle, and pitched it without the camp, afar off from the camp, and called it the Tabernacle of the congregation. And it came to pass, that every one which sought the LORD went out unto the tabernacle of the congregation, which was without the camp.
I read about the Exodus from Egypt. After the plagues, Moses led the captive Israelites to the Red Sea where Pharaoh was chasing them. The Red Sea parted for them to pass through, but for 40 more years they wandered around in the desert looking for the promised land. Mainly because they quarreled amongst each other. Manna “bread from heaven” fell from the sky as sustenance from God.
Moses had stage fright. So God chose his brother Aaron to be High Priest. And they built a tent of meeting, which was essentially a traveling place to meet with God. I once saw a Christian counselor, Dr. Ulanda Davis, who referred to this blog as a tent of meeting; after seven years living as a devout nondenominational Christian. But then life caught up to me.
I changed the tagline of this blog to An Imperfect Blog because I realized that my posts stopped giving the glory to God. However, I would not agree that a short, detailed story, with a single link to leave it all behind and accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior is giving the glory to myself. At Lehigh Carbon Community College, I was told that details make a good story.
I also grew up with a chronicle appreciation for hip-hop, especially at Kemper. The idea for Real Talk’s original Featured Image artwork was mimicked from Fabolous’ and Lecrae’s 2004 albums, Real Talk. The latter a pioneer in Christian rap certainly, who if not single-handedly, changed my attitude. Much love to Lecrae, 116 & Reach Records.
When the eleven disciples became apostles after they were baptized with the Holy Spirit; Pentecost. Matthias was chosen to replace Judas (Acts 1:12-26). Simon Peter was named Cephas, which in Aramaic means rock, “and on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:18 NIV) Peter was chosen to preach the Gospel to the Jews, and Paul the Gentiles. So I ask myself, is it acceptable for me to bring the gospel to the streets and not the churches?
Real Talk is a series of personal testimonies. Reflecting on a life lived and applying knowledge learned about the Word of God. Whether to help oneself or others. “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” (Revelation 12:11 KJV)
7 And Moses took the tabernacle, and pitched it without the camp, afar off from the camp, and called it the Tabernacle of the congregation. And it came to pass, that every one which sought the LORD went out unto the tabernacle of the congregation, which was without the camp.
I read about the Exodus from Egypt. After the plagues, Moses led the captive Israelites to the Red Sea where Pharaoh was chasing them. The Red Sea parted for them to pass through, but for 40 more years they wandered around in the desert looking for the promised land. Mainly because they quarreled amongst each other. Manna “bread from heaven” fell from the sky as sustenance from God.
Moses had stage fright. So God chose his brother Aaron to be High Priest. And they built a tent of meeting, which was essentially a traveling place to meet with God. I once saw a Christian counselor, Dr. Ulanda Davis, who referred to this blog as a tent of meeting; after seven years living as a devout nondenominational Christian. But then life caught up to me.
I changed the tagline of this blog to An Imperfect Blog because I realized that my posts stopped giving the glory to God. However, I would not agree that a short, detailed story, with a single link to leave it all behind and accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior is giving the glory to myself. At Lehigh Carbon Community College, I was told that details make a good story.
I also grew up with a chronicle appreciation for hip-hop, especially at Kemper. The idea for Real Talk’s original Featured Image artwork was mimicked from Fabolous’ and Lecrae’s 2004 albums, Real Talk. The latter a pioneer in Christian rap certainly, who if not single-handedly, changed my attitude. Much love to Lecrae, 116 & Reach Records.
When the eleven disciples became apostles after they were baptized with the Holy Spirit; Pentecost. Matthias was chosen to replace Judas (Acts 1:12-26). Simon Peter was named Cephas, which in Aramaic means rock, “and on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:18 NIV) Peter was chosen to preach the Gospel to the Jews, and Paul the Gentiles. So I ask myself, is it acceptable for me to bring the gospel to the streets and not the churches?
Real Talk is a series of personal testimonies. Reflecting on a life lived and applying knowledge learned about the Word of God. Whether to help oneself or others. “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” (Revelation 12:11 KJV)
16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.
People change due to circumstances in life. When I attempted suicide on New Year’s Day, 2024, in Los Angeles, CA, I was given an ESV Bible in the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center, and I re-read some verses. Up until that point, my spiritual life had been pretty much dormant. I left my church, New Wine Fellowship in 2020, and immediately created this website. After that, I fell off spiritually, and slowly slipped away form the church. Recently, I have become a thief and a liar. Shoplifting because I do not have any money; getting on a train and flagrantly lying that I bought a NJ Transit ticket, but lost it; and I even stole a bicycle—trying to regain some former glory of a life I once had.
While I was charging my phone at the Moynihan Train Hall in New York City, I decided to scroll through this blog for the first time in years. I read some posts, and read about Jesus surrendering Himself in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46), because His spirit was troubled—and I started to tear up. I have been traveling often, most times not knowing where to go next, and homeless once again since 2023. I used to surrender my will to Jesus every night, kneeling on my bed; praying, protecting my knees from the cement floor and Berber carpet. At some point my life became so busy, that I drifted away from the Lord. I went to an Episcopalian church in Washington DC this summer, but mostly wept the entire time—reminiscing about New Wine Fellowship and how I served the Lord so fervently.
I was placed as Media Director in 2016 and served until I left. There was a rift between us that I never really healed from. I even attended therapy with a Christian counselor for two years, who tried tirelessly to get me to try another church, but I would not budge.
That was probably the last time I surrendered myself to God—becoming self-reliant instead. There are times when I feel a void in that place instead. Most nights I barely get any sleep, waking up early in the AM, if I had not already spent hours droning the street sidewalks instead; wandering tirelessly throughout the day, until it’s time to rest again.
When I think about the days of New Wine and the close relationship I once had with the Creator, I ask myself when will be the next time I surrender myself to my God? When will I reach my end?
Saul, an esteemed Pharisee, trained under Gamaliel (Acts 22:3 NIV); an “honored” (Acts 5:34) member of the Sanhedrin whose influence was highly regarded; spoke of “a thorn in the flesh.” (2 Corinthians 12:7 NIV)
Scripture does not tell us what this thorn is, but I think it could have been the murder of Stephen—the first Christian martyr (Acts 7:54-60). As a Pharisee, Paul, whose name at the time was Saul, led a group of men in stoning Stephen for being a follower of Christ. The Pharisee’s were a religious group who did not believe that Jesus was theSon of God—fully human and fully divine (Matthew 22:41-46). Extremely legalistic, they were too close-minded to believe in faith, over the Law of Moses or the Ten Commandments—plus, many man-made laws added to such. The Law became stale, in need of new—a new covenant—grace by faith in Jesus Christ (John 12:42).
I also have thorn in the flesh—or maybe two. Something that would stop a pastor dead in his tracks on the pulpit—just tearing apart a witness to Christ. I sexually abused my cousin and got into a HMMWV in the Army that seriously injured someone else. The lieutenant in my truck had a brain hemorrhage and I did not even visit him in the hospital.
The purpose of this website is to package the gospel in a way that will easily spread it; it is not a business entity, nor does it earn revenue—I actually pay to have it published—in hopes that someone may find eternal life. Evangelism is a lot like sales—and I hate sales 🙂 Which is why a lot of churches use CRM software and other modern sales tactics to keep track of its parishioners. But if you look past it, what the difference for me as the evangelist for my former church (New Wine Fellowship) was bringing someone to Christ—which is a little different than earning a commission—its the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). Maybe a glimmer of hope in someone’s eyes—someone going through something extremely difficult. A moment of epiphany—hold on, all it requires is “faith as small as a mustard seed” (Matthew 17:20 NIV) and God will deliver me from this?
These days I only have enough faith in God to get me through the day. But it works for me.
In 1995, my family moved back to Naperville, Illinois, from Lawrenceville, New Jersey. I had just graduated eighth grade from St. Ann’s school in Lawrenceville. In sixth grade, I went to a Catholic school because kids bullied me in the public schools where I went for the second half of fourth and fifth grade. There were only twelve or thirteen kids in my class at St. Ann’s. And I was going to be starting high school at Waubonsie Valley in Aurora, which had over four thousand kids. Neuqua Valley, another high school in District 204, was being built in a hurry to accommodate the rapid growth. Waubonsie had a lot to offer. And I wish I had been able to apply myself. But I became lost in the crowd because I was lost: I had no sense of my true self the identity designed and given by God (Ephesians 1:3-6).
We previously lived in Naperville from 1987 or 1988 until 1991. And I went to second, third, and the first half of fourth grade at Clow Elementary, the newly built school in our development. In that regard, life couldn’t be more perfect. I read an article on my home page that caught my eye a few years ago—Naperville had become one of the country’s top five wealthiest places. But when we first moved there, it was largely cornfields. And besides Brook Crossing, for a short time, the rest of that area was undeveloped.
I remember going to Waubonsie on the first day of the second semester of my sophomore year. On the second day, I was heading out the front door to catch the bus, and my father stopped me and said, “You’re coming with me today.” He brought me upstairs. There was a packed military duffle bag in my parents’ room filled with what would be my SOP. And so he drove me from Naperville to Kemper Military School in Boonville, Missouri. If I remember correctly, it took about six hours with minimal conversation. When I first arrived, most of the kids at Kemper were court-ordered. And instantly, I had a lot of toughening up to do. My father regrets dropping me off there that day. But I’m glad he did. It was for the best. I was on the fast track to dropping out of high school at Waubonsie.
The first six weeks at Kemper were called Phase One. In my first two semesters, including summer school, I was a New Boy. And having no Standard of Honor violations as a New Boy, I became eligible to sign my name on the Standard of Honor during the next ceremony, held twice a year, each Parents Weekend. The Standard of Honor was straightforward—I will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate thereof. When I signed this historic Kemper document, I was given a Greek cross with the letters “GCHS” from top to bottom, left to right, in order of importance—God, Country, Home, School—to wear on my uniform.
Being “blood-crosssed” by all of the elder Old Boys was tradition. The cross was worn on the left side (over the ribcage). Part of my Class B uniform was a white undershirt. First, whoever was crossing me would pin it to my undershirt—without the backings. Then, they would jab the cross with the palm of their hand and forcefully rub it in all directions (getting me as best they could). Because I was so skinny, some Old Boys were able to pick me up and bounce me on their palm. After my signing, I was crossed by about thirty Old Boys and suspected I had broken ribs. But in return, I became an Old Boy and was given my privileges.
Examples of Old Boy privileges I can remember were things that brought a sense of normalcy to cadet life; touching the table in the table in the mess hall, walking the entire width of the hallway, and using a convenient entrance in the barracks (the Old Boy porch). These things were off-limits to New Boys, and the consequences could be severe. Like all things, Kemper took some getting used to, but it became home after a while. And I have a lot of great memories. Riding along 1-70 toward Columbia after graduation, I realized I was leaving for the last time, and I started to cry because that’s when it began to sink in that it was over. I also have some bad memories—cringeworthy moments. As a senior in leadership, I could dish out the hazing I experienced as a sophomore. And I did some terrible things. But I was forgiven of past sins by the blood of Jesus when I placed my faith in Him the new covenant (Luke 22:20).
One thing was clear between my inner circle of fellow Old Boys concerning the Standard of Honor: don’t get caught. Old Boys that violated the Standard of Honor needed to appear before the Standard of Honor Board, and if the violation were confirmed, they would be “red-lined.” A ceremony where the rest of the Corps of Cadets would do an about-face (turn their backs); staff on duty would draw a red line through their name on the document; and they would be escorted off campus, never able to return.
Did I violate the Standard of Honor? Yes, I did—more than once. I even lied before the Standard of Honor Board to prevent myself from being red-lined. I’m not boasting. I am in no way proud of these things. But the lasting effect the Standard of Honor at Kemper Military School has had on my life—I learned it’s much better for my physical, mental, and emotional health to tell the truth.
And now, as a Christian, I’ve learned that Iying affects my spiritual health as well. In John 8, Jesus says of the devil, “He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it” (John 8:44 KJV). And in sharp contrast, Jesus is speaking again earlier in the same chapter: “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31-32 KJV).
18 And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
The Great Commission: Jesus Christ; given all power in heaven and on earth by God, who died for the sins of all people from all nations, tells us to make more disciples—teaching the Good News, baptizing new believers in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
What is baptism? My Life Application® Study Bible says: “. . . immersion was the usual form of baptism—that is, new Christians were completely ‘buried’ in water. They understood this form of baptism to symbolize the death and burial of the old way of life. Coming up out of the water symbolized resurrection to new life with Christ.” (Note Romans 6:1-4) “Baptism symbolizes submission to Christ, a willingness to live God’s way, and identification with God’s covenant people.” (Note Matthew 28:19[2])
The Great Commission is not optional but a command for all believers. We are to obey and teach others to obey Christ. Each time we choose to take a step in obedience, it results in authenticity (Psalm 139:14-18)! God has designed us as disciples to share the gospel—use your talents! And walk in obedience knowing that Jesus will be with you always!
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
14 If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.
Is John 14:13-15 a magical formula to get anything we want? The answer is no.
God has a will or desire for all of our lives. He has one for your life and my life.
Think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46). He said to Peter, James, and John, “My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death” (Matthew 26:38 KJV). He then “went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matthew 26:39 KJV) And “went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.” (Matthew 26:42 KJV)
When Jesus says that we can ask for anything in His name, it means according to God’s character and will. One of God’s characteristics is His goodness. His goodness works together in all things for the believer (Romans 8:28). God is also omniscient—His understanding is infinite (Psalm 147:5). Could the reason we think our prayers are unanswered be because they are contrary to God’s nature and will?
For example, I could pray for a million dollars 💵 every night. But if God knows having a million dollars is not the best thing for me right now, is He going to grant that prayer request?
In other situations, a loved one or we may be going through something difficult. And we must ask ourselves—what is God’s will? Could God be bringing forth something in our lives that will bring us closer to Him or bring glory to His name, providing us with an opportunity to testify of His goodness? I encourage you to read the book of Job!
What becomes interesting is as we learn and grow in our faith, sincerely seeking God and His will, our prayers will align. And He will answer them because He is sovereign (Job 37:23)!
Interesting Fact: Something else that blew my mind is when we don’t have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit wordlessly groans for us (Romans 8:26)! And while Satan is accusing us before God day and night (Revelation 12:10), Jesus is our advocate, interceding for us at God’s right hand (Romans 8:34)!
